CHRISTMAS RETREAT

I spent 10 days between 23rd December 1994 and 2nd January 1995 on a retreat at Splatts House, in Heddington. A meditation retreat in the Theravada tradition.
These are some notes that I made at the time, which are reproduced here 'as is' - I have resisted the temptation to edit or spice up my original observations so please excuse any nonsensical or poorly written parts :)

23rd December  Arrived at Splatts House very late, 7 p.m. Hardly a peaceful start to the retreat, six and a half hours of start-stop driving along the M25 & M4. Once onto the A308 and A4 the drive became an exercise in feeling your way, intently watching the cat's eyes loom up in front as the road curved left or right - visibility in the fog almost non-existant. There was a serious accident just before the turning for Heddington as the A4 penetrated the gloom into Calne. Police guided traffic round a partly screened car wreck imbedded in someone's garden wall.. shudder.

Having eventually arrived at Splatts House, I was shown around the building by Andy. My bedroom is on the second floor. Four bunk-beds between six of us. I'm allocated a top bunk on the left hand side, by the window.
By the time I'd registered, had some tasty pasta & vegetable soup and a cup of tea, it was time for bed. Donned my new pajamas and clambered up to my nest.

Day 1. 24th December

Can't believe that I got up at 4 a.m. ! Quick wash and shave, then down to the hall for my first meditation session. I've been allocated a space on the left side, next to a radiator. There are two rows of mats on the left for males, two on the right for females. I have quite a comfortable mat and three cushions to experiment with. Saya U Chit Tin and Mother Sayama arrive and everyone bends forward, hands clasped. A chant is rendered by Mother Sayama, then Saya U Chit Tin recites the three refuges, which we repeat, then the five precepts are repeated in Pali. The words are strange, but I think I get the gist. Now the meditation starts.. "Feel the breath at the base of the nose, on the upper lip." came the instruction.. "Cool, fresh air in, warm air out." After about 40 minutes, I started to get a piercing ache in my back, in the region of the right shoulder blade. Changing position eased it for a while, but it came back with a vengeance - pah! this doesn't aid concentration, the mind is difficult enough to calm without this. Anyway, I stayed with it for the full two hours, and was pleased to go for breakfast at 6.30. There are two dining rooms, one for males, one for females. I had porridge. It was very nice as there were bits of fruit mixed in, banana, apple and sultanas. After breakfast I rested for a while before the 8 - 9 session. More backache here. There was, however, a degree of calm. During the 9.30 - 11 session, we were called to the front of the hall in groups of three, and had our interviews with Saya U Chit Tin and Mother Sayama. I, like most there I noted, told of my back problem and was told to be patient, change position or lean against the wall for a while, even lay down - mindfulness is more important than position..
Lunch at 11 was very tasty. Spaghetti with a tomato based sauce and lovely green beans with garlic. A walk in the grounds (enjoying a cigarette!), before returning for the 1 - 1.45 session. Not too painful a sitting this time. A short break for some herbal tea and back for the 2 - 5 session. More interviews. Mother Sayama doesn't speak much English, and at first seems a bit stern.. "Bring the attention back again, again. The mind wanders - bring it back. You do easy yes? yes? yes?!"
5 O'clock and time for tea. Spicy vegetable soup and crusty bread. Just the thing before a stroll and a cigarette.
6 - 7 p.m. we had a dhamma talk. The Four Noble Truths and Eightfold Path. Basic stuff for a Theravadin bookworm such as I (oh.. delusion!) It's nice to hear it read in this atmosphere.
The Noble Silence is a strange thing. We mustn't talk to each other (at all) during the retreat, though we can speak to the teachers. The scenes in the dining room remind me of Monty Pythons.. try making tea/coffee for several people without speaking - initially I thought everyone was either ignorant or 'stuck-up' ! I do see the reason (for the Noble Silence) though, no opinions, gossip.. or lies.
A rest, a stroll, a cigarette, then the final meditation session of the day, 7 - 7.30. Quite a tiring day really. I'm ready for my bunk.

Day 2. 25th December

Struggled through all the sessions. A little less painful today. At times there was a tremendous sense of ease, but the old enemy, the mind, fights back. I suddenly find myself in a strange day-dream world which is tempting to hold on to.
Nice lunch today. Some kind of vegetable bake with mushrooms, cheese and green beans, plus roast potatoes, followed by a chocolate thing which was like an unbaked cake mixture - yummy!
The heating here is fine. Even though it's a large building, the central heating is excellent. All the amenities are far better than I had expected.
I find the checking (interview) periods very helpful. It would be tempting to make too much effort without this guidance. Right effort means not too much, not too little. Just balanced effort as U Chit Tin explained. We are encouraged to take a break if things get too difficult - take a walk, have a cup of tea or whatever, then return and continue afresh.
Although this gross body is complaining bitterly, I'm fairly happy with today's progress.

Day 3. 26th December

First thing I realised at 4 a.m. when I lumbered out of my bunk was that yesterday was Christmas Day! Strange, didn't give it a thought yesterday.
Had to force my creaking legs to carry me to the 4.30 meditation this morning. These legs feel like solid logs! Took the teachers advice during the session, and first went for a cup of Earl Grey, the a walk and cigarette.
Got through the 8 - 9 stint in all sorts of contortions. It was probably a complete waste of time. I was unmindful of the breath half the time, and serenity was far away. During the checking period, Mother Sayama suggested I use a couple of cushions under the knees for a while. Things did ease of their own accord though. I noticed Saya U Chit Tin didn't stay long this morning - perhaps we all have off days!
After lunch, a glorious macaroni thingy, I started the 1 - 1.45 session determined to do better. Too much effort I guess, as the 45 minutes were torture. Is it worth it? I must try and make a more balanced approach. Trying too hard just doesn't work. I dwell on impermanence - bearing this fact in mind, the pain in the knees, back & mind must end sometime.
2 - 3 pm was spent in short stints. Seems better that way at the moment.
In the 3.30 checking session, U Chit Tin smiled and said "be patient." "Keep coming back to the breath."
After tea we had the dhamma talk. Today's was on the Five Hindrances to meditation. I don't know why there isn't a sixth - 'physical discomfort'!
Time now for the 7.30 to 8.30 pm session. Hope tomorrow is less uncomfortable.

Day 4. 27th December

This 4am wake up is a breeze! This mornings early session was much better. I seem to be working through the aches and pains now. Having had a chat with Roger, one of the teachers, I feel quite comfortable about breaking up a session with a stroll if I need to.
Today I'm trying to get past images and lights that keep flashing up during my practice. Sometimes it's like 'tripping', but in terms of samadhi is just a distraction. This morning, two rows of lights suddenly appeared out of the gloom in my mind, then I was in the cockpit of an airliner, coming in to land. It was so real, yet unreal. Weird or what! Loads of things keep 'popping up'. I can't explain them, it just seems too crazy.
When I had a talk with Roger, he told me to put all the theory aside, and just concentrate on the meditation for these 10 days.
I was advised not to read or write anything, as it hinders this practice, so I'll stop writing this for a few days. Vipassana starts tomorrow.. I wonder what that will bring.

Day 10. 2nd January

It's 9.30am and the course is over. As I don't feel like heading back into the world just yet (and the locks are frozen on my car), I'm going to loaf around the centre for a few hours.
Yesterday I was thinking how fortunate I was to spend the first day of the New Year (c.e.) without the customary hangover. Instead of feeling like 'death warmed up' on New Years Day, I simply felt part of the whole life thing - perfectly content. Long way to go though, as Roger said when I told him the creaking rupa and wayward mind were still giving practical demonstrations of one interpretation of dukkha, "It takes a long time to be perfect. Maybe a few world cycles" Daunting I'd say!
I really believe the retreat has been a success in terms of putting my practice into better order. These few days have certainly stretched the mind and body. Feelings from torture to no sensation whatsoever in the latter, and despair to bliss in the former. Many births in many realms during these 10 days.

The first day of vipassana was a very practical demonstration of anicca. We did anapanna for about 15 minutes to gain concentration, then Saya U Chit Tin started the guided meditation. As his first instruction came, "now focus your attention on the crown of the skull," my in breath seemed to rise through the centre of my head, and my whole attention focused on the tingling top of my head. He guided us through several sweeps of the body - top of the head, face, back of the head, neck, throat, chest, stomach, abdomen, shoulders, arms, hands, palms, spine, hips, backside, legs, feet and soles. A faint tingling and prickling feeling accompanied the attention as I wandered around my body. The throbbing knees were forgotten, the aching back relaxed. Suddenly everything came back twofold. The knees were thumping, back cramped, and that strangest of organs, the mind, was invaded by an overwhelming feeling of remorse. It seemed I could feel the whole world suffering. Then I seemed to be observing all this from a distance, the physical and mental pain became objects of investigation. My attention was drawn to other sensations around the body - here a tingling, there heat, there coolness. Eventually, as I was roused by Mother Syama's chant, I realised that at this stage I wasn't feeling anything at all. I went to lay on my bunk for half an hour before the next session - a little perplexed and fearful of where this was leading to.
As I was returning to the hall, Roger called me "we'll have a talk." Obviously, he sensed or observed that I was a little disturbed. (It's good to have a teacher!). I explained to him, as best I could, that I was worried about the extremes of feelings and sensations during the vipassana meditation. What was real and what wasn't? He assured me that there was nothing to fear. "Keep going back to the anapanna" he said. I told him I wasn't sure whether I'd be leaving with a zimmerframe or a straightjacket!
Last night, we had the sharing of merit, as Saya U Chit Tin and Mother Sayama had to depart for Burma at 6.30 this morning. It was quite a moving occasion, with lots of chanting by the teachers and the dedication of their accrued merit to near ones and all beings. We meditated, then Saya U Chit Tin told us to move our attention to the top of the head. With great emotion in his voice, he  instructed us to all send metta to all beings in the world. I felt an intense tingling sensation at my temples, moving up to the top of the head, then suddenly a feeling that can only be described as the sensation you feel when a hat blows off your head in the wind. The atmosphere was charged and my whole being was overcome with an incredible sense of joy. I could feel tears on my cheeks.
On that happy note, and with the firm resolution to maintain good practice, I'm going to have some lunch, then venture back into the 'real world' of fantasy and delusion.

Glen Miller

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